stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
