he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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