my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
