I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Randomize
