I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
