I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
