I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
