I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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