my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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