Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
