Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
