A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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