I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
