420 ftw
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
my being single is dangerous.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
