she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
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