Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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