Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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