I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
