I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
We talked him into tasing himself.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
