Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
