happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
