whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
