Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
