Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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