I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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