My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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