..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
