My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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