2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
