Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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