why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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