Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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