I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
My vagina is very pro this idea
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
