You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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