3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
