I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
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