Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
