last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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