I wish I could punch you in the face.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
