bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
