u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
