im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
