Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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