I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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