Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize
