Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
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