After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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