Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
