I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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