why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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