you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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