I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
My vagina just recognized that song.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
