you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize
