How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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