You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
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