I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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